Cat Poop Soup
By Patricia Spork
Children can be just as destructive, witty, annoying, intelligent, and creative as life-seasoned adults. I know, because I bore a couple of miniature replicas that grew up and became more like me than I want to acknowledge.
Because of my on-the-job mother and grandmother experiences, I’ve come to the realization that children should be classified as “lethal weapons”. Place one over-rambunctious child in a room full of non-parents and you’ll empty it. Guaranteed! It’s kind of like announcing a bomb threat—everyone evacuates.
Not that it’s the child’s fault—it’s just that all children do what they do too good. And what most children do is drive grown-up people crazy.
Witty kids like to play jokes, like pretending they don’t hear you when they really do. Children like this never get their rooms cleaned because they don’t hear “clean your room” until you’re hoarse from repeating the line a trillion times and blue in the face from overexertion. Then you must revert to threatening the kids with a fly swatter, perchance being labeled a child abuser. Who’s abusing whom here?
Annoying children are the ones that repeatedly question you. It seems like the only words these kids know are “what,” “why,” “who,” “how,” and “where”. Amazing that these particular children don’t all grow up to be award-winning journalists; they definitely have the traits for that profession.
Then there are the children who know everything . . . I mean everything. You try to explain something and you’re told “I know that.” You listen to irrelevant details about . . . whatever. You try to persuade the children to the truth of the matter. Try as hard as you like, but you can’t change these kids’ minds. They know everything. It’s better to just give up. Why continue to frazzle your brain when it’s frazzled enough by this time? Believe me, surrender is your best and only option.”
Creative children never leave you to wonder about the miracle of living . . . or laughing. These children can take any item we consider useless and make it into a work of art. They are the ones who smear poop on the wall before you change the diaper, write on everything from bed sheets to dressers with crayons, and stir-up cat poop soup from the litter box. Prime health is an important factor when you have one of these children. If you smoke, consider quitting, because you’ll need the extra breaths for clean-up jobs that you’ll definitely encounter.
If you’re lucky, you’ll have children that are inbred with all of these characteristics. The changing attributions spark fear in nosy neighbors and can be used as an excellent excuse to avoid social gatherings. A little cat poop soup in the face never hurt anybody, but it sure hastens away unavoidable houseguests. For that reason alone, I recommend 1-2 kids a household. Anymore then that and you might need to hire a professional pooper-scooper.
To save the expense, load up on plenty of cleaning supplies, earplugs, depressants and muscle relaxants (if needed). Know that in the end, there is nothing as rewarding as “I love you” from the pouty lips of a clone-like image of yourself.
Copyright 2000-2009 Patricia Spork, All Rights Reserved Worldwide
Patricia Spork is a freelance writer and digital photo artist residing in Texas. Her works have appeared in publications online and off, in the U.S. and abroad. Visit her Web site: http://www.patriciaspork.us/
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Diddled with a couple pics taken of a sock monkey. Used filter effects to create the digital photo art images, which are not fabulous, but you might can use them for one thing or another. Then, wrote short poem about the sock monkey. Not great poem, but the pics and images might inspire you to one-up on me. LOL! Welcome to all for Personal or Commercial use as long as I’m credited, somehow, and if not done in defamatory, slanderous or pornographic way. Click on thumbnails to access and download larger images.
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Independence Forever! – The United States Flag American Pride by Patricia Spork.